The ultimate collection of things not to do or say to an infertile

[Maritza]

Inspired by comments recently made to me:

NOT TO SAY:

"I've heard that people say that once you forget about it, you'll fall pregnant"
*Apparently forgetfulness is the new fertility booster, seeing that my memory is above average, I suppose I'm a hopeless case.*

"When the time is right, it will happen"
*So what exactly was wrong with yesterday? And why do victims of rape fall pregnant? Suppose the time was right for them as well?*

"It will happen when you least expect it, just ask your sister"
*O yes, falling pregnant the month after you get off the pill is VERY unexpected, and waiting 2 years for your 4th child really compares to my situation of 0 positive results after several ART treatments over a span of 2 years.*

"Just relax, it will happen"
*Dude, if I relaxed any more, I would be drooling all over my shirt*

"I've heard that people who decide to adopt fall pregnant"
*Well then, let's look for a suitable victim to adopt to serve as miracle fertility treatment, I suppose no sacrifice is too big to achieve the end result of your own biological child*

NOT TO DO:

- Do not name your baby after the name mentioned to you by your infertile friend/family member reserved for their baby.
- Do not randomly quote success stories, we all know about the person who fell pregnant naturally after 11 IVF's, it really does not make us feel better about our situation.

Seriously! What are people thinking!?

I'm compiling a best of collection of comments NOT to make when trying to empathise with an infertile.

Anyone want to add to the collection?

[Katz]

These things take time.
Really? how long?? why so long for us?? Is time abstract?

[Wannabe-a-mommy]

Those sound all too familiar!

My one acquintance, who falls pregnant by just looking at her husband, says that I must just "relax" and "have some wine" -"that always works".

Another one of my favourites is: "It probably isn't meant to be". Like God would put this instinct and longing in me to have a baby and then be evil to not give one to me?

[Pixie 123]

After my 2nd m/c my SIL (extremely freakin fertile) sent me an e-mail detailing how maybe it was my fault, because pregnancy wasn't in God's plan for me at that stage, and I had forgotten to ask God for His Will.

Also, I got many "at least it happened early" (yippee! For who?), "at least you can get pregnant" (whoop-di-doo: EVERYONE wants 8 week pregnancies) and my personal favorite "there was definitely something wrong with the baby" (I had testing done both times and both babies were fine).

Please consider naming your collection "101 reasons why I like infertiles more than fertiles".

xxx

[Ginger]

GRRRR!

I really hate 'you're so young' I mean how old do I need to be for you to BELIEVE that I have a physical problem!!

But how about this.....
A couple of months ago I thought I was pregnant, but don't worry I would have given the baby to you.

'Oh I wish I had that problem....I just look at my husband and I fall pregnant' Do you really now!!

But I really dispise the 'just relax' or 'it will happen' comments because they are clearly just something a fertile person says because they don't want to talk about it anymore....because THEY CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

[CalT]

Another few stupid comments I've heard:

"You should try not think about it and just pretend you're not trying then it will happen"
"Ja, ok. I will just choose to forget that my body hates me even though it reminds me of how much it hates me at least once a month, and I love pretending. Isn't it just so much fun?! You know I pretend I don't know when I'm ovulating and then just 'accidentally' have sex at that time. Unfortunately even though I pretend, it still hasn't happened"


"You know the mind is so powerful that if you just stop thinking about it it will probably happen"
"Ok, the next time I write an exam I will just 'not think about' what I'm writing about and then I guess I will get 100%"


"Don't stress it will happen"
"Thanks.You are so right. I feel so much better now and will definately stop stressing from now on."


"I believe it will happen soon"
"Wow, I didn't realise you had psychic powers that you could tell me when I'm gonna have a baby. Are you able to give me a date and time? Because I swear someone told me the same thing 2 years ago, so I'm actually not quite sure what 'soon' really means"


"Everything happens for a reason"
"Thats so right. The reason I haven't fallen pregnant is because my body doesn't have eggs. I feel so much better now that I know what the reason is. It just solves everything!"


Well, thats just a few of the ones I remember! Wish I had the guts to actually say these comments!

[Trish]

Good topic Maritza. Gosh there are so many, let me pick a few and my sarcastic comeback that I wish I had said:

Geez, kids are really hard work, here look after mine for a while and you will change your mind.
Thanks buddy, sounds good!

There are so many homeless, needy children in the world who need parents so why don't you just adopt.
Hmm sounds SO easy - just adopt you say

Just be positive - It will happen.
Oh so my negativity is causing these repeat IVF failures and its all my fault - glad we cleared that up and you say you know for certain this WILL happen, had a chat with God have you?

Don't you think its a little selfish to spend so much money on infertilty treatment.
Well I enjoy flushing my money down the loo and am glad I didn't waste it on a nice car/holiday or house like YOU

And probably the worst - said to me after another IVF failure by a family member.:
Gosh me and all my friends are pregnant, it must be in the water - maybe you should drink from my glass!!!!
I still have no response for that and didn't speak to her for months!

[Sandy]

These all look soooooo familiar!!!

When my SIL fell pregnant 6 months ago with her second she phoned me and told me she had buyers remorse because she really didn't expect it to happen so quickly after taking out the mirena! (I quietly told her you can't get buyers remorse from falling pregnant only from shopping to much, then I put the phone down)! She just doesn't get it and never will! At our house on Saturday she told me that if she could do it all again she would never have married her DH, just stayed with him and she would never have had children! (My niece is the best thing in the world!) She wants to buy at motorcycle once her little boy is born!!!

Why do some women become mothers and other don't??? It is like a really bad joke!!!

xxx

[Sharon]

My all time favorite when commenting on my mc's:

"At least it happened now and not later!"

Yes, because there's always a good time to loose a baby!!!

[ALICE]

I think that we would all have enough money to fund our treatments if we had R1 for every time people told us to relax!

We should also buy shares in a wine farm as we have all been told to have a glass of wine at the time as "it will help you relax". I must confess that my tongue got the better of me and I replied that I was afraid I would spill if I had wine during sex. It was worth the tut of dissaproval from my Mother to see the look on her friend's face who had told me this.