The ultimate collection of things not to do or say to an infertile

[LEILAH]

I actually had to smile while reading this thread! All such stupidity. I had almost all of them said to me at some point or another.

But the other day I had this one we all know: "I`m unexpectedly pregnant with my third child and don`t know how this could happen! Why don`t you take the baby when he/she is born blah blah blah..."

Something in my brain just snapped, as this woman knows we are struggling to get pg again, and I said with a smile "No thanks, I want intelligent good looking kids".

To hell with all fertile people who think they`ve got the right to make comments on highly sensitive subjects, while they don`t even know the recipient of their comments that well!

[hannah]

Every time I am sick / flu / bladder infection / tummy bug / eye infection or generaly feeling down and tired ... "Hey ... you could be pregnant! Have you checked?" "Hmmm ... YOU THINK?!!"

I also get alot the "look after my kids for an afternoon and you will be cured", and "the right time will come" and "be patient" and "have you tried a hobby to take your mind off things" (yes - compulsively peeing on sticks, got quite a selection).

"Have you tried cutting down on coffee?"
"Have you tried standing on your head / whistle / drink a glas of water / do the bike-pedal thingie after sex?"

Our friends will phone us at any time during the week for drinks / braai / show - because we do not have kids we apparently have nothing to do.

All time favourite is the girl / guy you have just met at party / braai will ask me (with 20 other people standing around) if we have any kids - I would say no. "O, don't you want any? What seems to be the problem?" I then take to drinking heavily for the rest of the evening.

[CalT]

I laughed (in horror of course) at all the comments we have all heard. I am gobsmacked at how people can actually have such audacity.

Like the call I got yesterday from my friend to tell me she is pg and says 'I am so peeved cos there is still so much I wanted to do first before having kids' Why would she tell me that???? And then she also says 'I don't know how it happened' Ah, yes, we all know wind pollination at this time of year just unexpectadly gets ladies (except me of course) pregnant.

Ladies we have obviously been standing next to the wrong trees!

[Clare]

Hee, hee, hee, haw, haw, haw, haw, grr, grr, grr, sob, sob sob! What mixed emotions I've had whilst reading this thread...oh my gosh, how I can relate!

As my sister would say, "I wish all the stupid (fertile) people would just shut up." Either that or wear a sign around their necks so that we could recognise them before they opened their mouths and said something potentially hurtful.

For me one of the most devastating comments was made to my DH by another male suggesting that he takes me aside and does the job properly - how hurtful. As if my DH doesn't know how to BD! Hmmm, maybe we should get an educational video as I clearly thought that one fell pg by having it stuck in your ear!

Another is when you're asked how many children you have and upon replying none, you're told 'not to wait too long as time is running out'. Not sh*t sherlock. I thought I'd be fertile until the ripe old age of 84! And of course the reason we don't have any is because we're selfish and don't want the inconvenience of a baby.

The one that makes me smile though is when a very conservative but rather deaf elderly lady (she's in her late 80's) pulled me aside one day after church and in the busy foyer proceded to tell me in a rather loud manner of a method she'd heard about how you could count the days of your cycle to tell when you're most fertile, and that one should also put your legs up in the air afterwards. I've never been so embarrassed! With at least 10 people including my parish priest looking on I think I turned the brightest shade of red. Poor old dear really thought she was being helpful.

Thanks M for this entertaining thread!

Love, Clare xxx

[NinaP]

My grandmother once said : "God knows who to give children to and to who not!!"
Freaking old lady Like she was such an amazing parent!
And the ultimate : Be patient it will happen - just believe!!

[Kelly]

Ok, so I am 2nd time round infertile and I have had a few nice things said to me, lets see:

*When you having the next one?
*When we did tell everyone we were trying, I got, are you pregnant yet?
*(from my mother)If you make amends with your sister (at that stage we weren't talking)you will have a guardian angel sitting on your shoulder and you will fall pregnant, you'll see. (that was over a year ago....and HELLO, I'm still waiting )
*When someone fell pregnant... how do you feel about it?
*But you're lucky, you already have one....
*Do what I did, relax, it will happen sooner than you know it....I've been relaxed for the last 3yrs, and it aint happened yet!!!

*My all time favourite came from my sister I saw that a clothing store had started a range of maternity wear, and in my optimism, I said "ooh goody, now when I eventually fall pregnant, I can come shop here" to which she replied...."That's if you ever have another one!" Those words hit me like a slap in the face!

[SandraC]

Instead of a list of stupid things said to infertiles I would like a list of great comebacks so that I don't stand there mortified like a deer in head lights with my heart bleeding everytime some moron pulls one of these out of a hat...

I have memorised Leilahs answer "No thanks I want inteligent good looking kids"...brilliant

and if anyone knows a great way to handle the "you got kids..no...don't you want any/good choice/you shouldn't wait too long" question when trying to mind your own business at a braai/pedicure/charity function/xmas party...I'm all ears....

[Natashja]

I might be crucified for posting here but I just want to say that not all fertiles (and I am sure the majority) means anything bad when they are saying these things. I have used the "just relax and it will happen" and some of the others to a close infertile friend but just because I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Fertiles talk out of ignorance and cannot fully understand the pain / frustration an infertile has to endure and then we do and say stupid things!

I apologise on behalf of all the fertiles that unknowingly (and the bastards that knowlingly)said these things.

You girls are strong, amazing women and all of you (no exception) will make brilliant moms just because of the love, effort, patience, understanding and tolerance you have experienced on this road of infertility.

And yes, I think some of us fertiles do need to get a licence before we have a baby (if I read the horrific things some so called mothers put their children through).

[Maritza]

Sandra, I agree we need rebuttals, and good ones. I'm gonna compile all these sayings into one mother of a post for my blog, but I want two rebuttals for each, one nice one and one mean one.

The mean response is intended for those that should know better and the nice ones for the uninformed well meaning offenders.

Natasha, we hear what you say and I agree, most people just don't know any better. I did however make it very clear to my brother a day or so ago that telling an infertile that it would happen when they forget about it is perceived as a serious insult (he was a bit stunned). It s all about being involved in the people's lives around you and taking the time to understand their world. Someone with an infertile family member really doesn't have any excuse not the be sensitive to the matter. I suppose we try to create awareness with posts like these, that some things, just like racial or sexist remarks are not on and anyone that considers them to be informed and sensitive to the needs of minorities needs to catch up and get with the programme. At least 6-10% of the population suffers from this problem so there really is no excuses.

M

[sheshe]

Hi ladies

I have first hand experience with all the stories you have narrated. But what pissess me off the most is when SIL "who were suppose to support us as we married to their brothers" are the once who are shanting us with all kinds of demoralising words. Like my SIL who decided to take my babys name upon discovering that she is pregnant. She thinks her baby will replace the baby that I cannot provide to her brother, and guess what my babys name is a boys name and she proceeded despite giving birth to a girl (how dumb can that be).

Another sad thing for me is when people in the office keep asking me when is it finally going to happen, isnt your husband wanting a baby. After my 4th failed IVF in june this year i gained quite a bit of weight and one lady met me at the lift and said congratulations on the pregnancy, you definately waited for a very long time for this one. Another one said, you still want a baby, dont you think you very old for that now.

Ag ladies we all have horrifying stories to tell. But you know the saying that goes "those who laugh last laugh the best".
xxx
sheshe


Me 40
DH 37
4 laps
stage ii endo removed 2006
1 failed IUI
2 failed IVF
3rd cancelled due to cysts
4th IVF failed in June 2008 and I blame my FS for not using a sonar during the ET
currently on fertipil, fertivor and staminogro preparing for IVF in January 2009